The Excellent Wife

<h3 class="post-title entry-title" itemprop="name" style="background-color: white; color: #440002; font-family: Slackey; font-size: 36px; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal; margin: 0.75em 0px 0px; position: relative;"> <span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3999996185303px; line-height: 1.4;">I would never consider myself to be an excellent wife.  Most days I don't even feel like a good wife.  Or even a halfway decent wife.  Because the truth is I make mistakes.  And I'm not talking about the mistakes I made in the past - big and little.  I'm talking about day to day "I messed up in how I treated my husband" mistakes that still occur with much repetition.</span></h3> <div class="post-body entry-content" id="post-body-8156039808187982840" itemprop="description articleBody" style="background-color: white; color: #440002; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3999996185303px; line-height: 1.4; position: relative; width: 702px;"> <a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="more"></a><br />From my sarcastic tone when I'm in pain or upset (even if I'm not directly upset with my husband), to the constant pressure I put on myself to be sexually available even if I don't feel like it (that's a whole other blog post...), to the myriad of other examples I have of my failings - I just don't make the excellent wife cut.<br /><br />But then again, maybe I do.  Because what I do have, what I can offer of this:<br /><br />I want to be better.<br /><br />I want to behave differently.<br /><br />I want to be the kind of wife who lifts her husband up and supports him.<br /><br />Not the one who gets all bent out of shape when he's running late from work for the millionth time.<br /><br />I want to the be kind of wife who can focus solely on her husband and not all the other thoughts that go through my mind when I know my husband wants to have sex.  And even in saying that I realize my failing there, because I don't even think about sex in non-superficial terms.  There is, I'd like to point out, a huge difference between just having sex and sharing real intimacy together, or as some call it, making love.<br /><br />But I digress, because this post isn't about my hang ups with sex.<br /><br />What does it mean to be excellent?<br /><br />I feel like I should know this answer.<br /><br />I set extremely high expectations for myself.  Ones that oftentimes I cannot even attain, because they border on the absurd.  It keeps coming back to sex.  It wasn't my intention to use that as an example, but clearly it's on my mind, so I'm just going to go with it.<br /><br />Maybe I'm alone in this-and maybe it's the norm.  But I expect myself to be always available to be there sexually for my husband.  If he wanted to make love, I feel like I should be ready, at the mere mention.  But the sad reality is that I rarely ever live up to this high expectation that I have set for myself.  My husband doesn't expect this from me.  I don't believe that God expects this from me.  I believe that I have a very real issue surrounding sex, and put unnecessary pressure on myself, which only stands to further prevent me from attaining that goal.<br /><br />Another area where I set high expectations for myself is in my job.  I don't believe in doing just the bare minimum at work.  I expect myself to give 110% on good days, and 100% on bad days.  There's no room for mediocrity.  Do I always live up to that expectation?  No.  And yet, when I fail there, I internally criticize myself and berate myself for being inconsistent with the goals I set for myself.<br /><br />I'm an overachiever in some areas of my life, bordering on obsession in some things.  So, if that is true in a few areas of my life, why isn't it true in all areas?  Why am I not as persistent in being a better wife and a better mom?  Why don't I hold myself to that same standard when it comes to cleaning my house?  How can I hate having a desk at work that is messy, but live in clutter at home?<br /><br />The truth is this:<br /><br />It does still bother me.  The mess. At home (and clearly in my brain right now since I feel like I'm all over the place tonight).  The only difference is that by the time I get home, or on weekends when it just seems unnatural to work, I am too exhausted or in too much pain to even contemplate giving another 100% to that area of my life.<br /><br />What that ends up meaning though is that my kids and my husband all too often get less than 100%.  If I had to really evaluate and be honest about where I see myself, where I rate myself on how much I give to my husband and family, I'd say I give them about 75% percent on a good day.  On a bad day, it's too ugly to even look at.<br /><br />I don't say any of this in an effort to be self-deprecating.  I'm taking an honest look at my life and my priorities and trying to understand why I do things the way that I do.<br /><br />And maybe you're asking what prompted all of this.  Maybe you're just used to the way I ramble from one thing to another.<br /><br />We have been doing devotions at night, just 15 minutes each night.  We went from reading the Jesus Calling devotional together to getting everyone their own devotionals and spending just 15 minutes in solitude, spending time with God.  Is 15 minutes enough?  No - but it's something, and hey, my devotional time is not on trial here.  Though the admission leaves me feeling like that is just another area where I don't give enough.<br /><br />So, everyone got a new devotional for Christmas.  And my loving husband spent time at a local Christian bookstore searching for the perfect one for me.  He couldn't pick just one, so he got me two.  And I am just going to say it.  I hate them both.  Okay, maybe hate is too strong of a word.  But there are things in both of them that annoy me so much it is actually distracting me from spending close, quality time with God.<br /><br />I've been wanting to get a new one, or find a book to read during our devotion time that will help me focus on God and really go deeper.  Tonight I decided to find a book that I bought at least 6-10 years ago.  A book that I read maybe two chapters in then put down because at the time, the last thing I cared about being was what Martha Peace calls women to:  The Excellent Wife.<br /><br />Many of you know that for seven and a half years I was caught up in an adulterous relationship with another man.  Does that sound like the heart of someone who wants to be an excellent wife?  And yet, in the midst of all of that, I couldn't push from my mind the expectation I set for myself to be that excellent wife.  To be a godly wife.  I was failing.  Miserably.  In light of that, my current failures seem a lot less severe - but that doesn't mean I should settle for mediocrity or "just okay" in my marriage.<br /><br />So tonight I was on a mission to find that long lost book and crack it open.  The devotional books I had were annoying me, as I am pretty sure King James himself of the ever-so-popular-with-Southern-Baptists Bible wrote them personally.  I'm not trash talking the KJV - I'm merely stating that reading and re-reading something 20 times to glean meaning from it is just not my thing.  I need something that is more modern in speech.  I applaud my husband's efforts in trying to find me something great, and give him an extra pat on the back for being an overachiever and buying me two, but they just don't leave me longing to get back to my time with God that we have designated each night.<br /><br />I suppose that getting back into this book, especially being at a completely different and ultimately better place in my life and marriage has left me contemplative.  I read something tonight that really struck me.<br /><br /><div class="myquotes" style="background-image: url(https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ2GTKc5CDyZEUBPCHdwnAkJ6vILjLjve15S17TTzEEx_rscBd-pwOzB_lkRKAtvFSt3sathqt1x3eIsZHDiic0M0N9oIi5QS6YdmVyWT_G9DgrMNsU4uLT4EcvxcB1uGNrZ8QN0nshLzy/s1600/callig.jpg); background-position: 50% 50%; background-repeat: repeat; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS', cursive, sans-serif; margin: 10px 50px; padding: 25px; text-align: center; text-shadow: rgb(166, 166, 166) 2px 2px 3px;"> God's will for every Christian wife is that her most important ministry be to her husband (Genesis 2:18).  After a wife's own personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, nothing else should have greater priority.</div> <br /><br />Woah!<br /><br />First, I had never really thought about my marriage being a ministry.  Second, boy have I been missing the mark there!<br /><br />All of that to say that I have a lot of work to do, and I believe that my desire to do better, to be better, is a huge step in the right direction to becoming an excellent wife.  What about you?  In what areas of your life do you want to be excellent, even though you miss the mark?</div>

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS STORIES The Excellent Wife

I would never consider myself to be an excellent wife.  Most days I don't even feel like a good wife.  Or even a halfway decent wife.  ...

Read more »

12 Things NO Self-Respecting Woman Should Put Up With From A Man

<div class="field-value image no-label" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <div class="field field-name-field-image-blog field-type-image field-label-above" style="box-sizing: border-box;"> <div class="field-items" style="box-sizing: border-box;"> <div class="field-item even" style="box-sizing: border-box;"> <div class="image-field" style="box-sizing: border-box; clear: both; float: left; margin-bottom: 8px; width: auto;"> <span class="bttrlazyloading-wrapper bttrlazyloading-loaded" style="background-color: black; background-image: url(data:image/gif; background-position: 50% 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat; box-sizing: border-box; display: table;"><img addthis:title="Behaviors You Should NEVER Tolerate From Men " addthis:url="" alt="Behaviors You Should NEVER Tolerate From Men " class="bttrlazyloading animated fadeIn" data-bttrlazyloading-md-src="http://static.yourtango.com/cdn/farfuture/118og0HYGpAbdjJCEdfw3HYFpiPvkBO-hjOw-ksSyzI/mtime:1432075024/sites/default/files/styles/listing_big/public/image_blog/kick%20him.jpg?itok=0QOuqOvy" height="309" src="http://static.yourtango.com/cdn/farfuture/118og0HYGpAbdjJCEdfw3HYFpiPvkBO-hjOw-ksSyzI/mtime:1432075024/sites/default/files/styles/listing_big/public/image_blog/kick%20him.jpg?itok=0QOuqOvy" style="-webkit-animation-name: fadeIn; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px; vertical-align: middle; width: auto;" title="Behaviors You Should NEVER Tolerate From Men " typeof="foaf:Image" width="620" /></span><blockquote class="image-field-credit" style="border-left-style: none; box-sizing: border-box; color: grey; float: right; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px;"> <div class="image_credit" style="box-sizing: border-box;"> <div style="box-sizing: border-box;"> iStock</div> </div> </blockquote> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="field-value value-bold summary dek no-label" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; clear: both; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22.3999996185303px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <div class="field field-name-field-daily-dish-feature-summar field-type-text-long field-label-above" style="box-sizing: border-box;"> <div class="field-items" style="box-sizing: border-box;"> <div class="field-item even" style="box-sizing: border-box;"> Ignoring a man's disrespect is the surest guarantee it will continue.</div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="field-value body no-label" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> I gained an amazing insight about successful <a href="http://www.yourtango.com/dating" style="background: transparent; box-sizing: border-box; color: #21568a; text-decoration: none;">dating</a> the other day when my <a href="http://www.yourtango.com/2013180585/girlfriend-top-10-qualities-men-are-looking-girlfriend" style="background: transparent; box-sizing: border-box; color: #21568a; text-decoration: none;">girlfriend</a> Janie told me a wild story last week.  <span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.0080003738403px; line-height: 1.538em;">Janie was on Skype with her cousin Pamela. Pamela was getting ready for a date with a gorgeous man who promised to pick her up at 7 pm.</span></div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> At 7:15, Janie asked Pamela if she was going to phone the guy to see where he was. Pamela said, "No." </div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.0080003738403px; line-height: 1.538em;">At 7:45, Janie asked again if she was going to give him a call. "No," Pamela answered again. She continued chatting like nothing happened.</span></div> <div class="ym" id="ym_1003415940242979181" style="box-sizing: border-box; height: 0px;">  </div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> </div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">At 8:00 pm, Pamela's doorbell rings. She asks Janie to hold on.</span></div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> Thirty seconds later, Pamela returned and continued chatting like nothing happened.</div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> Perplexed, Janie asked her is she going on her date or not. "No," said Pamela.</div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> "Well, what happened?" asked Janie.</div> <div class="ym" id="ym_1032470051915414128" style="box-sizing: border-box; height: 0px;"> </div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> </div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">"I asked him what kind of woman he thought I was showing up here </span>an hour late. I threw the flowers he brought at him and closed the door."</div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">OK, I admit ... that was a bit dramatic and over-the-top.</span></div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <strong style="box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;">I definitely <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">don't</em> recommend that you do that, but </span>I also do admire the woman. </strong><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.0080003738403px; line-height: 1.538em;">She does not accept being treated as if she, or her time, are anything less than valuable. She does not tolerate poor treatment from a man. And she makes that clear from Day One.</span></div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> (Just so you know, the guy had no viable excuse. He was just late). <span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.0080003738403px; line-height: 1.538em;">My friend Janie always says, "You have to teach a man how to treat you." And I</span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.0080003738403px; line-height: 1.538em;"> couldn't agree more. </span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.0080003738403px; line-height: 1.538em;">Pamela teaches men to treat her well from the very start. I suggest you do the same. </span></div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <strong style="box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.0080003738403px; line-height: 1.538em;">Have you tolerated poor treatment and disrespectful </span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.0080003738403px; line-height: 1.538em;">behavior?</span></strong></div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> Here is a list of 12 disrespectful, low-quality man behaviors that you should never tolerate. It is far from exhaustive, but a good starting point:</div> <ol style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10.5px; margin-top: 0px;"> <li style="box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;">50/50 <a href="http://www.yourtango.com/relationships" style="background: transparent; box-sizing: border-box; color: #21568a; text-decoration: none;">relationships</a>. He keeps track of everything to ensure you do (and pay) your "fair share."</span></li> <li style="box-sizing: border-box;">He asks you to pay on a first date (or on the first few dates) or asking you to pay for any date he asked you on. Sorry! I'm old-fashioned. If he starts off that way, it will likely remain that way the entire relationship.</li> <li style="box-sizing: border-box;">Arriving late with no excuse or advance notice. (FYI, "a great excuse" in my book me is being in the hospital or dead.)</li> <li style="box-sizing: border-box;">Not showing up at all. And, I don't care if he phones the next day or week. Next!</li> <li style="box-sizing: border-box;">Constantly cancelling dates and rescheduling. What are you, his third choice?</li> <li style="box-sizing: border-box;">Lying about his whereabouts.</li> <li style="box-sizing: border-box;">Lying about seeing other women (or sleeping with other women).</li> <li style="box-sizing: border-box;">Sarcastic remarks that put you down, such as teasing you about your weight, intelligence, or looks.</li> <li style="box-sizing: border-box;"><a href="http://www.yourtango.com/flirting" style="background: transparent; box-sizing: border-box; color: #21568a; text-decoration: none;">Flirting</a> with or hungrily staring at or making sexual comments about other women.</li> <li style="box-sizing: border-box;">Making promises he doesn't keep.</li> <li style="box-sizing: border-box;">Always asking you for money.</li> <li style="box-sizing: border-box;">Introducing you as a friend, when you are his girlfriend.</li> </ol> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <span style="box-sizing: border-box;">There are dozens more. Many are so subtle, they don't seem even disrespectful ... at first.</span></div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <strong style="box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;">So, </span>here's a question to ask when you are in doubt: <em style="box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.0080003738403px; line-height: 1.538em;">When a man does [you fill in the behavior], how do you feel?</span></em></strong></div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> If you feel upset or disrespected, then no one has the right to say you're too sensitive. You may very well be, but those are your feelings. They are valid. OK, dear?</div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> Each woman's situation is different, so it's impossible to give precise dating advice on how to handle your situation.</div> <div style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 10px;"> However, making a list of behaviors you find disrespectful is the first step to claiming your value and raising your worth. With yourself and in the world. Cheers to your First-Class <a href="http://www.yourtango.com/love" style="background: transparent; box-sizing: border-box; color: #21568a; text-decoration: none;">love</a> life!</div> </div>

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS 12 Things NO Self-Respecting Woman Should Put Up With From A Man

iStock Ignoring a man's disrespect is the surest guarantee it will continue. I gained an amazing insight about...

Read more »

When Did the Wedding Become More Important than the Marriage?

<div class="blog-picture" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; display: inline-flex; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579.1875px;"> <div class="single-thumb" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; display: table; float: left; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579px;"> <img alt="wedding and marriages" class="attachment-single wp-post-image" data-lazy-loaded="true" height="354" src="http://static.eharmony.com/dating-advice/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/wedding-and-marriages.jpg" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.4) 0px 1px 4px; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579px;" width="550" /></div> </div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Matched Dior gowns. Orchid covered archways. Spectacular mountain settings. Magicians. Balloon releases. Fireworks. Photo booths. Wii games. Free all-night bar. Casino games. Lobster bakes, island bike rides, “event” stations where you scan a QR code to receive a secret surprise, go cart centers, yard games, massages, a multi day party on a remote Asian island.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> What do they have in common? These are all wedding ideas being sold by wedding planners who will charge up to $30,000 for “a truly unforgettable $250,000 wedding.” Brides are told to make it a party they will never forget. In a period where 50% of all marriages fail, it’s remarkable how so much money and time and worry are spent on the wedding, but not a thought is given to the marriage itself. And after the last piece of cake is eaten, the last toast given, the last people leave, the deliriously happy couple – having experienced the wedding of their dreams – are now faced with making their marriage work. You would think weddings that cost $250,000 to $1,000,000 certainly would result in a fantastic marriage. But people don’t think about the marriage of their dreams, only the wedding of their dreams.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> The fact is, a simple wedding can result in a deliriously happy marriage. But a deliriously happy marriage isn’t the goal anymore. Only the most spectacular wedding is. Then two, five, ten years later when every day is an argument, the kids are falling apart, and divorce lawyers are on speed dial, everyone wonders when it all went so wrong.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> I’ll tell you when: the wedding.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> The bride, her mother, and maybe the groom spend hundreds of hours picking out wedding consultants, choosing the location, selecting the stationary, ordering the flowers, the music, the caterer, the menu, the wine, the cakes, gift bags, and great, great care is given to “how to make this wedding unforgettable.” The problem of course is this time is not spent in spiritual pre-marriage counseling, in praying to God to bless the marriage, in quiet times learning how your partner feels about money, kids, in-laws, sex, God, spirituality. There is precious little discussion about morals and values. This marriage, according to the<em style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Chicago Tribune</em>, is doomed.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> But the wedding was mind-blowing.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> The Tribune reported on a finding by Emory University that looked at 3,100 married couples. They found that couples who spent less money on a wedding tend to stay married longer than those who opt for expensive weddings. And couples who spent less than $1,000 on their wedding ceremony were least likely to get divorced.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> So how to avoid being one of those couples whose best day in their marriage was their wedding?</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 1. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Invite God/Spirituality into the relationship early.</strong> Some couples find this way too intimate. Sex is ok, prayer isn’t. Don’t fall into this trap.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 2. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Pledge that every hour you work on the wedding, you’ll spend two hours working on your relationship.</strong> This involves getting to know each other and talking about your future.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 3. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Start going to church now.</strong> Find one with other young couples.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 4. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Take a pre-marriage counseling course at your church.</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 5. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Talk realistically about money</strong>. Are you on the same page financially? Does one person believe in charge cards while the other abhors them?</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 6. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Make sure you agree on children.</strong> Not just having them, but also about how to raise them.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 7. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Talk honestly about what you love about each other, and what drives you up a wall</strong>.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 8. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Learn to stop criticizing your partner.</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 9. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Talk about how you will handle the difficult days that are bound to occur.</strong> Establish rules for arguments.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 10. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Finally, realize your wedding is the first day of a precious journey, one that should be treated as sacred.</strong> Or else you’ll remember it as the first day of a long mistake.</div> <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;"></span><br /> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> I’m not in the business of criticizing anyone for an expensive, grand, out of this world wedding. I just want to remind couples there’s more to your marriage than your wedding. There’s the rest of your life.</div>

DATING TIPS RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS When Did the Wedding Become More Important than the Marriage?

Matched Dior gowns. Orchid covered archways. Spectacular mountain settings. Magicians. Balloon releases. Fireworks. Photo booths. Wii g...

Read more »

The Intimacy Bait and Switch: Don’t Get Caught with an Intimacy Gap!

<div class="blog-picture" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; display: inline-flex; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579.1875px;"> <div class="single-thumb" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; display: table; float: left; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579px;"> <img alt="intimacy issues" class="attachment-single wp-post-image" data-lazy-loaded="true" height="323" src="http://static.eharmony.com/dating-advice/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/intimacy-issues.jpg" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.4) 0px 1px 4px; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579px;" width="550" /></div> </div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> “I have a wonderful boyfriend,” wrote Anne. “He is an angel except one thing. He doesn’t talk about how he feels, he doesn’t say I love you, and on December 3rd, it will be a year. He is good to me and gentle with me but he’s never given me any kind of keepsake, not even a card on my birthday…I would rather die than hurt him and to break up would break my heart too as I am certainly in love with him BUT I know this is a deal-breaker for me. And THAT is what is killing me.”</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> I don’t know Anne or her boyfriend except through letters. But I know this: They have an intimacy gap.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Intimacy is sharing everything about yourself without fearing you’ll lose your identity. Obviously, this implies that you need to know who you are, so you have something to share. It also implies a gradual process. It would be foolish to share everything about ourselves with random people right away; it would be downright unsafe with some of them.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Yet there are people who are too afraid or independent to gradually unfold into a safe, loving bond. Since we’re all human, and almost all humans need some degree of emotional and sexual connection, these folks tend to ramp up the appearance of intimacy right away—but then fail on the follow-through.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> The intimacy bait & switch looks like this:</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> You start dating, and the other person is excited about you. You get excited about them too. You each share a lot of details about yourselves very quickly, including getting sexual very soon in the relationship. They then clam up, or suddenly want to see you less, or want to be intimate but not share anything emotional. They might begin calling you names like “needy” or “controlling” or “selfish.” Their emotional bar is low, and their needs are quickly over-met.  So when you need more than they counted on, you become the bad person.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> You didn’t switch desires and expectations; they did. They lured you in with an offer of intimacy. And then — once you got hooked — they didn’t deliver.<br />This hurts as much or more than what fish must feel. Intimacy is offered, but as soon as you’re reeled in, it’s pulled away. Worse, you’re often questioned for being unreasonable in your desire for closeness. Going through this doesn’t just make you feel like you want too much; it makes you think this is the best you can get. It’s deeply dispiriting.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> What to do:</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> When you’re in this scenario, the gap between partners’ needs is a constant source of anxiety and unhappiness for the one who wants more. If you need and want intimacy — the real thing, not the surface substitute — don’t sign up for a partner who will never match you.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Wait…never?</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Never.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> If you fear relationships, yet you’d like to learn to relax into an intimate bond, you can use proven therapeutic techniques to gradually change yourself. But you cannot intentionally change someone else’s intimacy needs, nor force someone to want intimacy they aren’t after. When we’re starting relationships, it’s important to sign on for the very best bond we can find—not one requiring intensive therapy even while we’re dating! I have never yet seen anyone voluntarily change who does not value or want real intimacy. They probably could; but in my observation, they don’t choose to.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> What if you’re the one who needs less, though? In that case, the other person’s needs will likely grow to feel like enormous burdens, demands, and pressures.  If you’re hoping they will eventually want and need at your same level…they won’t.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Upshot? Be honest about the bond you require, and hold out for a match on that level. And to paraphrase Maya Angelou, when a partner shows you who they are, believe them.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> So I can’t advise waiting on change from someone who isn’t even trying—or someone who prefers the false intimacy bait-and-switch to the real thing. People can change in a relationship, but again, the person they can change is themselves. Anne’s got a deal-breaker, and I hope she will break the deal and hold out for the genuine, close bond she needs.</div> <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;"></span><br /> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Is intimacy too much to ask for? No. It is a major reason people have relationships. And intimacy needs that are like your own should be one of your standards, too.</div>

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS The Intimacy Bait and Switch: Don’t Get Caught with an Intimacy Gap!

“I have a wonderful boyfriend,” wrote Anne. “He is an angel except one thing. He doesn’t talk about how he feels, he doesn’t say I love...

Read more »

The 10 Biggest Reasons People Fall Out of Love

<div class="blog-picture" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; display: inline-flex; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579.1875px;"> <div class="single-thumb" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; display: table; float: left; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579px;"> <img alt="whypeoplefalloutoflove" class="attachment-single wp-post-image" data-lazy-loaded="true" height="239" src="http://static.eharmony.com/dating-advice/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/whypeoplefalloutoflove-400x239.jpg" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.4) 0px 1px 4px; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579px;" width="400" /></div> </div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Love. Sometimes it doesn’t last a lifetime.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Here are ten reasons why people fall out of love:</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 1. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">They stopped communicating.</strong> Conflict went unresolved, needs went unexpressed, and affirmations went unspoken. If good communication is key to building a healthy relationship, the lack of it can surely dissolve one.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 2. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">They took each other for granted.</strong> It’s easy to assume that love is unconditional and to subsequently get lazy with each other. When respect and kindness disappear, so can the love.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 3. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Expectations weren’t met.</strong> In the beginning, it’s easy to accommodate your partner’s needs and wishes. Over time, however, people often default to “just being themselves” and stop bending to the expectations of their partner if those expectations are not shared ones.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 4. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">One of them discovered something new about his/her partner.</strong> Betrayal can radically alter how someone feels about their partner. Discovering that your partner has hidden something from you, cheated on you, or behaved in a way that’s inconsistent with who you thought they were can do irreparable damage to the relationship.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 5. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Overwhelming jealousy took over.</strong> Yes, it’s reassuring to know that your partner wants you for himself. But when jealousy takes over, there’s no room for trust.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 6. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">The relationship wasn’t built on a solid foundation.</strong> If the relationship started poorly, moved too fast in the beginning, or was the product of an affair, it’s likely not rooted enough to withstand time or overcome any real relationship obstacles.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 7. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Incompatibility.</strong> As a couple gets to know one another better — and the initial fireworks die down — they may discover that their lifestyles, priorities, and values don’t align.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 8. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Boredom.</strong> Or exhaustion. The relationship has either lost its spark or become too much work for one or both people to handle.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 9.<strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> A major life event changed things</strong>. She’s given birth and he no longer sees her as a lover, just as a mother. He got fired and suddenly retreats into depression and refuses her help. Instead of embracing life’s adventures together, some couples crack under the pressures of hardships or the unknown.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 10. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">It wasn’t love in the first place.</strong> Lust can disguise itself as love. Once the honeymoon is over, however, it can also leave a relationship feeling empty and lacking.</div> <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;"></span><br /> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <em style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Have you fallen in…and then out of love? What was the reason?</em></div>

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS The 10 Biggest Reasons People Fall Out of Love

Love. Sometimes it doesn’t last a lifetime. Here are ten reasons why people fall out of love: 1.  They stopped communicating.  Conf...

Read more »

15 Ways to Know If Your Partner Will Be Faithful

<div class="blog-picture" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; display: inline-flex; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579.1875px;"> <div class="single-thumb" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; display: table; float: left; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579px;"> <img alt="dating multiple people at once" class="attachment-single wp-post-image" data-lazy-loaded="true" height="386" src="http://static.eharmony.com/dating-advice/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/dating-multiple-people-at-once.jpg" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.4) 0px 1px 4px; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579px;" width="600" /></div> </div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> At the top of nearly every survey about what singles want in a partner is a person who is faithful, loyal, and trustworthy. In other words, singles in a committed relationship want someone who will <em style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">not</em> cheat on them.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Unfortunately, the reality of that desire often comes to a painful end as time goes on. Accurate statistics are hard to come by (because lots of people don’t want to admit to cheating), but researchers agree that 30 to 50 percent of men and 20 to 40 percent of women are unfaithful. Can you ever know for sure that your partner won’t cheat? No, because people and circumstances change over time. But you can look for specific personal qualities that offer a strong predisposition for faithfulness instead of unfaithfulness:</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 1. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Your partner keeps his/her word in other areas.</strong> Reliability and trustworthiness across many aspects of life is a good indicator of faithfulness in your relationship.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 2. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">The person likes your friends but keeps a respectful distance</strong>. Researchers found that nearly half (45 percent) of men and more than one-fourth (26 percent) of women are attracted to friends of their partners and are tempted to act on it.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 3. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Your partner does not keep secrets.</strong> Small secrets can blossom into big ones down the line.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 4. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">He/she is aware of the danger zones.</strong> For instance, business trips are particularly troublesome: 36 percent of men and 13 percent of women said they gave in to temptation on a business trip.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 5. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Your partner has extinguished old flames</strong>. Many people look back on past relationships with fond memories, and some even maintain friendships with past loves. But wise individuals guard against too much interaction with an ex. That’s because 32 percent of women and 21 percent of men who admitted to acting on sexual temptation said it was with a former boyfriend/girlfriend.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 6. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Your love is invested in maintaining a friendship, as well as a romance, with you.</strong> Many individuals who get involved in affairs have been unable to deepen their love relationship beyond the early phase of infatuation and adrenaline rushes.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 7. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">The individual maintains proper boundaries with coworkers.</strong> That’s because 60 percent of affairs start at work.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 8. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">He/she feels appreciated</strong>. And this is where you can make a huge difference: More than 90 percent of men, and a similar number of women, said that feeling unappreciated and unwanted contributed strongly to their affairs.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 9. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">The person is not a narcissist</strong>. People with narcissistic tendencies—self-absorbed, lacking empathy–are especially prone to straying.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 10. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Your partner knows the importance of a satisfying sex life.</strong> After all, 52 percent of people with unsatisfying sex lives said they would be tempted to cheat, while only 17 percent who were sexually satisfied said they would be tempted.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 11. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">He/she doesn’t have an excessive need to be admired and liked</strong>. A need to have one’s ego boosted leads to inappropriate relationships from someone eager to flatter.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 12. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">At the appropriate time, your partner will be completely open about finances.</strong> Since money disputes are the number one cause of divorce, psychologists have coined the term “financial infidelity,” in which individuals deceive their partner with hidden debt, secret credit cards, and undisclosed shopping sprees.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 13. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Your lover doesn’t flirt with anyone but you.</strong> Flirting or checking out other people is disrespectful to you, and disrespect is a step toward unfaithfulness.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 14. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">The person is realistic, knowing no one is immune.</strong> One of the biggest dangers is thinking “it could never happen to me.” Approximately 69 percent of people who cheated never considered it a possibility before it happened.</div> <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;"></span><br /> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> 15. <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Your partner’s strong emphasis is “we,” not “I.”</strong> Faithful partners recognize the value of preserving the relationship’s love and intimacy—and will take measures to protect the special bond they share.</div>

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS 15 Ways to Know If Your Partner Will Be Faithful

At the top of nearly every survey about what singles want in a partner is a person who is faithful, loyal, and trustworthy. In other wo...

Read more »

8 Ways You Are Crossing Healthy Boundaries with the Ex

<div class="blog-picture" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; display: inline-flex; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579.1875px;"> <div class="single-thumb" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; display: table; float: left; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579px;"> <img alt="are you too close to the ex" class="attachment-single wp-post-image" data-lazy-loaded="true" height="367" src="http://static.eharmony.com/dating-advice/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/are-you-too-close-to-the-ex.jpg" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.4) 0px 1px 4px; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579px;" width="550" /></div> </div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> As a chocolate lover, I’d like to think you can never have too much chocolate. Similarly, I want to say you can never be too good. But I do think you can overplay a strength, particularly with an ex, and get yourself in trouble. It’s the same with chocolate, no matter how good it is, there’s trouble when you’ve had too much.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Your ex may continually beg overtly or subtly over and over for various behaviors in the past that, while very appropriate for a spouse, cross the invisible boundaries you are attempting to establish. Sometimes it’s difficult because the request seems like something you “should” do precisely because it taps into one of your strengths.</div> <div class="ym" id="ym_1003415940242979181" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; height: 0px; line-height: 22.39px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> </div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Unless you’re uber-civilized and still super-good friends with your ex, here are eight ways you’re being TOO nice after a breakup:</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">1. You’re Helping Him Meet New Women</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Perhaps your flirtatious ways and openness to the new are what got you in trouble in the relationship, but they’re killer strengths when it comes to dating. And you’d like to share these strengths with your ex.That would be a great idea if your ex was a BFF instead of a former lover.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> The potential for becoming ensnared in sexual innuendo or petty jealousy is way too high here. Spread your wings and fly without worrying how your ex is managing the dating scene.</div> <div class="ym" id="ym_1032470051915414128" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; height: 0px; line-height: 22.39px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> </div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">2. You Babysit Her Pets</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> You get a call at 11:30 pm asking you to go give the dog a quick walk because your ex decided to spend the night out. Despite the inconvenience, you do it because that’s what a loving, caring person does for the dog they loved these past eight years, and you are a loving, caring person. This is what we call overplaying the caring strength.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">3. You’re Helping Her Find A New House</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Your no-nonsense approach to problem solving, a strength, makes house-hunting a snap. You know your ex is terrible at this type of thing, so you figure there’s no harm in lending a hand. Because I’m sure you have nothing else to do with your time now that you’re single, living on less and having more to do around your own place, right?</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">4. You’re Decorating His New Place</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> In the now-dissolved partnership you know you can use your strength of creativity to help your ex make the new home as comfy and perfect as the home you had together. And how, exactly, is this helping you separate and accept that you are each moving on with your lives?</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">5. You’re STILL Balancing His Checkbook</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Prior to a divorce, some people have never balanced a checkbook or paid a bill. Among your strengths are your incredible organizational and analytical abilities making these tasks easy for you.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Instead of taking over, stand by and allow your ex to learn to do these things. Answering a question here or there or making the occasional suggestion is fine, but actually taking care of these tasks—please, stop.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">6. You’re Helping Her Make Big Purchases</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> For many, making a big ticket purchase solo is a first post-divorce endeavor. You have natural skills in negotiating and sniffing out deals, strengths which you know your ex lacks. How would it hurt to step in and help?</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> It would hurt because it’s not your car, or house or life. It’s all theirs now and you must disengage and allow your ex to learn, if necessary, the hard way.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">7. You’re Making Choices For Him</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Whether it’s getting a dog, selling a house or taking a trip to China, don’t offer your ex your strength in problem solving or your uncanny ability to know what makes others happy. Do not get involved in making choices that are entirely up to your ex. You don’t want to open the door to your ex repeatedly asking for your input or meddling in your decisions.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">8. You’re Still Having Sex With Her</strong></div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> If loving others is a character strength for you, that’s wonderful. Offering sex to your ex, for whatever reason, is likely overplaying that virtue. There are many excellent reasons not to have sex with your ex—it interferes with moving on and confuses everyone, including you. Stop. Now.</div> <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;"></span><br /> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 22.39px; margin-bottom: 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> We all have wonderful character strengths. Beware of overplaying those strengths with your ex. There won’t be a gut punch like there is when you’ve eaten too much chocolate, but you can keep it in check by being nice, but not too nice.</div>

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS 8 Ways You Are Crossing Healthy Boundaries with the Ex

As a chocolate lover, I’d like to think you can never have too much chocolate. Similarly, I want to say you can never be too good. But ...

Read more »

3 Steps To Stop A Man From Withdrawing

<div class="blog-picture" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; display: inline-flex; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579.1875px;"> <div class="single-thumb" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; display: table; float: left; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579px;"> <img alt="3 Steps To Stop A Man From Withdrawing" class="attachment-single wp-post-image" data-lazy-loaded="true" height="230" src="http://static.eharmony.com/dating-advice/wp-content/uploads/images/3-steps-to-stop-a-man-from-withdrawing-large.jpg" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.4) 0px 1px 4px; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 579px;" width="550" /></div> </div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> When a man becomes distant, sometimes the way a woman communicates her feelings to him makes him want to withdraw even more.  But if you know these three steps, you can turn this into an opportunity to connect with him and make him want to come even closer to you.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> It’s finally happening: you met a man you’re compatible with, you really like him, and the feeling is mutual.  He’s showering you with attention, making plans to see you, making time to call you, and generally letting you know that he’s so happy to have found you.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Then something happens.  Out of the blue, he pulls back from you.  Maybe he doesn’t mention seeing you this weekend, or he gets off the phone a little earlier than usual.  Or maybe he’s not being as affectionate. You sense a shift in the way he is with you, and it doesn’t feel good.  In fact, it’s downright scary.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> As a woman, our first instinct is to try to fix the situation by getting closer to him.  We’ll ask him what’s wrong, call him, and start worrying.  But this can actually push a man further away because he’ll feel coerced. </div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> The real secret to making sure his distance is only temporary is to let go of your efforts to bring him close.  This seems counter-intuitive and frightening, since it feels like you might lose him.  But that’s entirely not the case. </div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Here’s how to give him the space he needs while handling your own vulnerable feelings so that he’ll naturally want to come close all by himself.</div> <h2 style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #115672; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 22px; font-weight: 400; line-height: 22.3999996185303px; margin: 0.5em 0px 0.75em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> STEP 1: STAY CENTERED BY REALIZING IT’S NATURAL FOR A MAN TO PULL BACK</h2> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Drifting away is completely natural for a man, even if he’s in love with you.  Falling in love can make him feel vulnerable, so he’ll try to pull back in order to not lose himself.  He’ll come in and go out – like a rubber band – while he works out his feelings and digs deeper to find his ability to go the distance in a <a href="http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?s=30579" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; color: #38889f; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">real relationship</a>.  Meanwhile, he’s also making sure he “holds on” to his sense of self, his life, and his independence. </div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> So, the first thing to do when this happens with the man you’re with is to remind yourself that it’s completely normal.  If he’s the right man for you, these periods will significantly shorten over time, even though he’ll still need his “space” every once in a while. </div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> After 20 years of marriage, there are still moments when my husband gets a little distant from me.  The difference now is that I know that when he does it’s a natural process, so I don’t get worried like I used to.  I’ve also learned what <a href="http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?s=30579" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; color: #38889f; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">not</a> to do when it happens.  Which brings me to the next step…</div> <h2 style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #115672; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 22px; font-weight: 400; line-height: 22.3999996185303px; margin: 0.5em 0px 0.75em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> STEP 2: CREATE TENSION SO HE SNAPS BACK</h2> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> Whenever the man we’re with pulls back from us, our first instinct is usually to lean in and close the space.  This requires effort.   And it also usually causes the man to resist our attempts to get closer.  Why?  Because by stepping in we’re removing the incentive for a man to get close.  He no longer feels it’s his choice – he feels forced.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> If he starts pulling away, and you move toward him, then you’re just letting the rubber band go slack.  You’re making it impossible for him to bounce back to you. You’re eliminating the tension he needs in order to come back.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> The answer is to drop any effort on your part to close that space. Resist the temptation to ask him what’s wrong or to step up your efforts in order to get a response from him.  Don’t call him or email him or drop by his place.  Let him make the choice to come to you.  When he does, it also makes you feel better.  It makes you feel desired by him.</div> <h2 style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #115672; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 22px; font-weight: 400; line-height: 22.3999996185303px; margin: 0.5em 0px 0.75em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> STEP 3: CONNECT WITH HIS HEART USING FEELING MESSAGES</h2> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> When a man does withdraw, it creates all sorts of feelings inside us.  We feel neglected, uncertain, and angry.  And when he comes back, it’s easy to feel resentful.  We want him to know that we felt hurt.  We don’t want him to think it’s just okay for him to pull away.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> But there is power in your words, and the words you choose can deepen the connection you share so that he is more mindful of your feelings when he does need his space.  The trick is to talk to him in a way that expresses your feelings without blaming him.</div> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> So, instead of saying, “Why haven’t you called?!” try, “I feel so happy to hear from you!”  Show him that being with you is a fun, positive experience.  When he sees that you didn’t let your emotions overrun you and senses that you didn’t place such a high importance on his actions, he’ll be motivated to stay close and connected with you.  He’ll recognize that he’s with a woman who respects his needs while taking care of her own feelings.  And he’ll appreciate that you didn’t blame or criticize him.</div> <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.3999996185303px;"></span><br /> <div style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: ProximaNova, Calibri, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 1.5em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> When you create a positive experience with him, he’ll also gradually realize that being close and connected with you is a valuable part of his life he won’t want to live without.  He’ll see that being with you does not mean he needs to give up his sense of self or his independence, and the bond you two share will become even stronger. </div>

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS 3 Steps To Stop A Man From Withdrawing

When a man becomes distant, sometimes the way a woman communicates her feelings to him makes him want to withdraw even more.  But if yo...

Read more »