As I grew up, moving into adulthood, I couldn't always say with certainty that I was never alone. When the kids were really little, and Kris was in the height of his addiction, and my affair was in full swing, I waivered. Not just in my one on one relationship with God, but with trusting His word as true. I had become so distant and very skeptical. Because of my sin and disappointment and the pain in my life, I questioned whether or not God was good. Whether or not he was faithful. Whether or not he truly could be trusted to keep his promises. What I have learned these last *almost* two years is this:
Until you go through the deepest valley or the hardest circumstance, and God proves himself faithful even then, you don't realize how truly "un-alone" you are.
For all the times I thought my prayers weren't being heard, for all the days and weeks, months and years that I felt alone, God was there. NEVER ONCE did he leave my side. And I am beginning to understand that when we feel distant from God, those are the moments when we really need to step back and evaluate our own hearts. I can't say why, in the midst of the trials, it didn't occur to me that I was the one who had moved. It seemed that because my heart wasn't happy and I wasn't getting what I wanted, when I wanted, God had somehow decided to make his words and his promises untrue. I, in my mind, allowed God to change with my mood! It astounds me now, as I think back, that I was so blind. That I was so caught up in myself and in my pain that I began to believe that God changed his mind and his heart as often as I did.
What I didn't understand, what I am just getting a glimpse of, is that God doesn't change. He has never changed. His promises, even when we don't see the immediate fulfillment, remain true. God is the one who is unchanging. So often, we lose sight of this. We move through life, tossed and turned by the wind and waves, allowing our circumstances to dictate how we react and how we feel. And in the course of living like this, we believe that God moves up and down those waves with us (if we even acknowledge his presence in the pain), changing his mind and his heart and his promises to suit our situation. And usually, this leads us to having a false and bitterly negative view of this God we serve. We are so blind and so caught up in our own little world, leaving no room for God; and then, our view of him changes. At one time or another, a follower of Christ believes that God's word is true. But as we are tossed about by life, we begin to believe that God's truth, like our faith, waivers.
But it doesn't!
He doesn't change.
When we feel unloved, God still loves.
When we feel pain, God weeps with us and longs to bring peace to our hearts.
When we feel disappointed, like God isn't listening, God still stands there, waiting for us to open up our eyes, to see beyond ourselves and realize that He does not disappoint.
Do you know why we feel disappointment?
Because we have edge farther and farther away from the very promise that God is faithful.
Just because God doesn't answer our prayers in our time or give us what we want, it does not negate His word. That's where we so often miss it. Where we twist the truth, or listen to the lies that Satan whispers. Oh, your situation really sucks right now? Well then, it must mean that God doens't love you. That he doesn't really care. That he doesn't see you or hear you. How do we get so quickly from one to the other? When I look at that, and how we immediately jump to the very opposite of God's truth, it sounds absurd. And yet, I have seen countless times over the years how I have done this very thing.
It was not until God was faithful when I LEAST deserved his grace and forgiveness that I finally understood. He doesn't change. No matter what happens in my life or how my circumstances change, God is faithful.
Never once has he left my side.
And he has never left yours.
Maybe you're struggling to believe that right now. Maybe your life is really hard right now and your situation sucks. Maybe it's just not fair.
But don't jump to the conclusion that God has now gone back on his word. Does presume to suddenly, in the midst of your heartahce, understand what this life is all about. Just because we want things to go a certain way, and then they don't, doesn't mean that there is an angry, unloving, sinister God somewhere pulling puppet strings just for his own amusement. When life is good, it is easier to see God as one who loves, who cares, who is good. But it is when the trials come, and there is real pain, that we suddenly waiver, and we project that very doubt into the heart of God. We are the problem here, not God. I can only hope and pray that in the next trial of this life, I make a better choice. That I feel the pain in my heart, but I do not let go of the promise that God is there. That he is faithful. That he hasn't, and never will, leave my side.
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